Καλημέρα

Yasas. I wuldtranslate itintoGreek but I only have twenty-five minutes of Internet time left andhalf of it ismaking the space key and backspace work. I think I willnot bother editing it as an example of theHotel Valais’ crappy keyboards.

  I could tell you about the weather,but we allknow that Zakynthos, as an Ionian island, is HOT.I am sweating aswespeak. There was a powercut thismorning,which waseitherdue tothe strikes or the fact the generatorexplodeda week ago and no onebothered to fixit properly. We walked past and thought somelocals had started a barbeque,but alas… Itwas all Alykanas’ electricity going down the pan.

  Holidaysare a brillianttime to put everything into perspective,andI have suffered many a revelation since I’ve been here. When we getback I am finally sortingout the crap under my bed,knitting a scarf with my grandmother’s help (she doesn’t knowthis yet) and generally taking a Greekattitude toeverything…

 … If allelse fails, dance. There is always time for a coffee. Credit cards are the workof the devil.

 I have a confession: I haven’t video-blogged because I’ve been toolazy totalk. Instead I’mkeeping The Zante Diaries 2010, in honour ofabsent friends. I willpublish it on here, along with some photos and videos Ihave shot, over the coming weeks. Well, by Christmas.

  I was not pleased todiscover that a certain band had not aknowledgedtheirfans on a day dedicated to their awesomeness. That albumbetterbethebest bloody pieceofworksince fish and chips wereinvented. If not,well, I know karate. Gerard Way does not.

  Hope you’re all enjoyingbeing away from school,I have sent a few of you postcards. To the aforementioned absent friends, I didn’t bother. Figured you already knewabout the scenery…And Mum’s latest ventureis to bring you out here for herfiftieth, so you might get lucky after all?!

  Comment and tellme where you all are, what you’re doing andwhat the temperatureis, and I will bring you back Ouzo.

I don’t even have to mention the space bar.hereand. It’s thirty-odd degrees out effortthoughthe  can’tmakemean you  Thatdoesn’t  Only joking,I won’t get the comments until Friday evening at the earliest.

No More Pencils, No More Books, No More Teachers’ Dirty Looks

  We just said an emotional farewell to Fred, who is off to someone’s home while we go to Zante.  I couldn’t accompany him to exile, it would overwhelm me. Plus he moults a lot this time of year and frankly I don’t need him sitting on my lap for the journey.

  I’ve had a crappy few days (what is with people dying when you least expect it, even though it’s expected?) so the summer holidays haven’t really sunk in yet. I’ve been busy on eBay, buying Pugsley’s vintage tea set and teasing her about it, wrapping it up with love, care and fairy godmother dust. For such a smart person, Elizabeth, you are surprisingly easy to wind up. Open that box before the sixth and I will chain you to the inside of a bus. Underneath a chlamydia advert.

  While I’m in Zakynthos I’ll be video-blogging to keep busy, along with swimming, sleeping, trying to learn Greek and not think about impending funerals. Funeral. I sincerely hope no one else kicks the bucket. If they do, I am going to have a word with my karma. I do try to be nice to people.

  Unless I can wind them up about their crushes. Then, sorry, I will mercilessly take the piss out of them. It’s a tough habit to break.

  Have a good fortnight, lovely readers in front of your screens, I will hopefully blog from Zante while I’m there. Happy International My Chemical Romance Day for tomorrow… I firmly believe Frank’s last photo and album stuff will be released on the 23rd. For the record. I think I will go and watch Torchwood and avoid packing.

  Does anyone else like Jack’s dress sense? I feel the need to buy an expensive forties military coat, a silk waistcoat and a fob watch. Also a stopwatch.

Two More Days… I Can Smell the Freedom… And My BO.

  Good evening.

  I am very sorry, but I don’t have any wonderful photographic evidence of my wearing a nice dress and fake Jimmy Choos because the photos from my camara aren’t brilliant and I’ve been a bit rushed lately.

  Thought I’d ramble for a while anyway, as I know how you all love my views on mad gunmen getting Facebook tributes (for the record, what is up with northerners getting trigger-happy recently? Is it something they put in the water?). I have been watching bootlegged episodes of Torchwood on YouTube, which is like Doctor Who but without the TARDIS and with more graphic alien killings and sex. Every time I watch it I come over all Welsh. I start liking long military coats.

  The bottoms of my feet are covered in blisters because me and Pugsley went down town yesterday, and my most comfortable pair of flip-flops fell apart as I walked. So today I was thankful for Converse All Star and socks. Also for non-uniform day since my house at school won the cup. Too bad the team colour’s officially white, but was made pink. Thanks, Aphrodite.

  While I’m thinking about houses, I would like to mention a very special person who tipped sherbet in my hair at the school fête this afternoon. They laughed at the hairdressers. I would also like to let her know that I have ordered her a custom-made tea set from eBay, engraved with words that I think I shall leave to her imagination. Here is a what she can expect:

 

This Blog Was Written In-Between ‘Talking’ on MSN.

  I am trying to escape the black hole of Sunday blogging. It’s only a novelty once a month. Though that makes me think of Tampax adverts.

  Oh, God. Did I actually just compare my blog to a tampon company?

  Tell you what though, Geeks’ Night Out has seventy-nine views at last check, about ten minutes ago. I presume seventy of them are family members clicking the link I mass-emailed with the specification they forward it to anyone who likes the Macarena. Or hates it and wants to watch two twelve-year-olds dance to it, even though it is clear neither of them know it.

  Da da-da da da-da da da-da da-da, da da-da da da-da da da-da da-da…

  So, friends, this Saturday is very special. I will be wearing heels. High heels. Four-inch high heels. And a dress. With a netty bit at the bottom. And straps that aren’t straps. Yes. I will not be dressing like a man, a homeless person, Gerard Way, his wife, or a drug addict. This is new, exciting and VERY SCARY BECAUSE I CAN ONLY WEAR THE SHOES FOR FORTY MINUTES AND I HAVEN’T LEFT MY ROOM IN THEM YET.

  You paying attention, Ellen? This is for you. Your birthday. Even though I shouldn’t have to get you anything because I am the reason for your existence. At least, my four-day old fluffy-haired self complete with tubes sticking out random places is.  She made your parents all “Children, woot!” SO BE GLAD. That better be one frigging special barbeque, I’m telling you.

  By the way, the shoes can be found here. I discovered them courtesy of Watch This Place. The dress is also from Matalan, but I will save that for photos next week.

  Be glad, Ellen. Remember me in your prayers.

  Now reread that sentence in an ominous voice.

Wanted: a Life

  This morning I’ve done some pretty interesting stuff, like get left behind by my mother when she went to walk Fred and finally clean up the dust on the bedside cabinet, but part of me feels it just isn’t… Enough.

  So, dear readers, I am asking you for your wisdom. How do people keep themselves busy? Because I watch Kerrang! and get pissy about their choice of music, or get woken up by idiot neighbours and idiot council men at five and eight AM respectively, and it’s not very fulfilling.

  I am aware that this lapse in happiness on my part is due to having finished Geeks’ Night Out and not having started anything else. It’s a low. If making stupid videos and writing wierd stories is a high, the five or six days following are low. Pronounced ‘looooow’. In a deep voice. Looooows involve feeling isolated, left out by friends – even though it’s the weekend and I don’t see them anyway – and resorting to slash Frank/Gerard fan fictions on DeviantART. 

  HELP. PLEASE.

  I think I might put some haikus on FictionPress. Haikus are creative middle men, they close the gap between not knowing what to write/make movies of/who to complain about and Big Huge Amazing Projects like Ella’s Blog or Geeks’ Night Out.

  Here is Bonk! Review please.

  And, for the record, I do go out. With people. Discovered Cafe Nero on Friday. They sell frappes with no coffee. I am sure that is morally wrong. Also they have good dance music that is actually lounge music. AND STAMP CARDS.

Geeks’ Night Out

  Here it is. My first ever YouTube video, first ever venture into Windows Movie Maker and first time downloading songs from Amazon. The Macarena has a surprising number of versions; I found a Spanish one (the original), and two different versions of it with a girl singing about cheating on her boyfriend, whose name I think was Nico.

  Are you proud? I am. I am aware you can hear my mother and I in the background, that the credits have Joan Jett over the top and that it is blatantly amateur, but still. It beats homework!

  Let me also say that I have a newfound respect for producers, editors and behind the scene-ers who put films together. It took me four days to put a two-and-a-half minute movie together, and the big guys do two and a half hours. Maybe ripping them off by watching their work illegally on the Net isn’t such a nice idea.

  Hope you don’t think I’m doing this to embarrass you, Ross and Maxim. I’m not. Much.

  Please comment, favourite, subscribe and review in any way possible. I won’t reward you by banning my videos in your country.

SHSG: What the Teachers Don’t (Want To) See

  I started this post trying to be a resourceful journalist, but it’s too much hassle and a bit stalker-like. Instead I will tell you that the reason MCR’s album is taking so long to be created is because Gerard is busy playing with sparklers. For more information, see Chantal Claret’s Twitter and her 4th of July video. Then listen out for New Jersey accents.

  So, dear readers, I know that two of you at least go to my school and at least one does not. For the one that does not, here is what goes on at lunchtime. Also morning break. Assembly. Lessons.

Tatchiana: “And then my OC was soooo gay…”

Hollie: “I’m telling you, he’s gay.”

Sarah: “HE WEREN’T NO SHOE SHINE, HE GOT, TROJAN FOOTBALL…”

Hayley: “He died, and he never said goodbye…”

Elisa: *frowns**mutters about serial killers**Swindles someone out of ten quid**Gives ten quid to a year seven*

Tayler: “MY WRISTS, MY WRISTS!!!”

Tobi: “And then his banana fell out.”

Elizabeth: “TOBI!”

Robyn: “For the fifth time, Tayler, no.”

Chloe: *kisses whoever’s closest**gives Frank pigtails**spanks Elizabeth*

Natalie: “EEEE!!!” [to envision this, think of a cat getting castrated. Raise the pitch]

Frank: *various grunting noises*

Rhiannon: “Then Gerry Butler took his clothes off and I was like WOW!”

Ruby: “Hum, num, num, dodo, gay men, dodo, men, gay dodo…”

  Please bear in mind this is simultaneous. No wonder everyone avoids us…

  Thank you to Elizabeth for creating this. I hope I did the extras justice.

 

It’s That Time of Week Again

  Meet Phil.

  He is my family’s Dogs Trust sponsor dog, and I want to visit him, but Google Maps has informed me that Dogs Trust Shoreham is near Brighton, which is Down South, thus hard to get to. Wanted to share his ears with the world as they are quite spectacular.

  I believe today is 4th of July, and I celebrated not having to be part of a nation that invented the cheeseburger by going to see Eclipse with Ellen. I laughed, but in the wrong places… Kristen Whatsit can’t act, I have little hope for Shovel Face and Taylor Lautner needs to wear a shirt. I have a Bella key chain, though, because we got huge Tango and popcorn,  and the Odeon rewards fat people. I will take it to school tomorrow and we can deface her!

  The more observant of you will have noticed that the colour I’m typing in is a shade different to what I normally write in. Literally a shade, because a reliable source (Elizabeth) told me she couldn’t read the luminous green. I have reason to believe it’s her eyesight, but never let it be said I don’t pay attention to my readers – or my best friend – so I have altered it slightly. Since I made the header with the colours I usually write with in mind, it would suck if no one can actually read them. Drop me a comment and tell me what you think.

  Oh, here is the link to my most recent work, Ruby’s birthday present:

  The World’s First Feminist Dodo

  I’m off to watch Top Gear,