So I think something like two-thirds of this year’s Oscars nominations are based on true stories – 12 Years a Slave, The Wolf of Wall Street, Dallas Buyers’ Club, etc. (I’m assuming they’re nominated. I’ve seen them in the press, you know?!) On an almost entirely unrelated note, Andrew Lloyd Webber’s latest musical Stephen Ward is closing after a handful of months. I paid vague attention – not enough, clearly – because the actor playing Stephen Ward, who was involved in basically the first contemporary political sex scandal, was in Jesus Christ Superstarwhich was flipping brilliant and it got me thinking:
If you could make a film or musical about any news story, what would it be?
Imagining them as films, they’re all up there with The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas in terms of ‘things I wouldn’t pay money to see again’. Which is sometimes what turns a film from ‘interesting’ to ‘brilliant’ (hello again 12 Years) because sometimes we need fiction to teach us about reality.
On the other hand, we have the funny stories. Gordon Brown calling that woman a bigot. The time a woman put a cat in a bin. That Japanese toilet system that got hacked and started spewing out sewage. These might be more GIF material… I sort of want a musical about the toilet system though. Then there are the utterly brilliant and heart-warming stories, like Canada letting a child have three parents or Endal the dog who could get his owner’s cash out of machines for him. (I’m looking at you, Fred. Fred thinks that human objects are designed to be chewed; as far as I’m aware he’s never eaten our cash but he did nick an entire kebab the other day and got it clean off the skewer leaving only an unsavoury tomato. Part of me wants to reward his tenacity.)
But thinking about it, how many happy news stories get dramatised? No one wants to see The Day the Bus Driver Let Children Board for Free or Supermarkets: Assistants Are Lovely. We want Honey, I Think the Kid’s Self Harming and Kiddiefiddlers Unlocked Part 87.
Then there are the gross stories that are just made for bad adverts. You know those parent blogs where people live post their labour? Yeah. They’d be those adverts at the cinema that never, ever seem to end.
Right, current events that should be turned into films: go!
You know those weeks when you think it’s Wednesday when it’s Tuesday and Thursday when it’s Wednesday and Monday was a fortnight ago?
I also can’t remember what I wanted to talk about so let’s all talk about Pancake Day (which I thought was either yesterday or 30th March). Last year’s was my first unable to eat two thirds of the ingredients so I had a Lindt rabbit instead but I’ve found a recipe I want to try out which substitutes everything. Also found one for making your own version of Nutella, which is very tempting… I actually think I’m okay with normal Nutella.
I may make some anyway.
Right, favourite pancake toppings: discuss.
(I liked everything. Have individual flavours first then mix everything in one then for the final serving, presuming the mix hasn’t landed on the ceiling, choose your favourite and resolve to make pancakes more in the next year. Never do.)
Oh, and Scotch pancakes. Mmm. If I ever learn to cook in other ways than using a microwave, I might investigate all available types of pancake. Someone’s already done it with potatoes. Mmm, potatoes. Is there a designated potato day? Potatoes are the second-best food possibly ever and they deserve a day. Carbs and vegetables, people, simultaneously. The best food is the humble oat, because they can be manipulated to suit every meal of the day including dessert and they cost a tinny amount relative to their surface area and they cook faster than potatoes in a microwave.
I just read that back and it’s time to go to bed. I sort of want to stay up and think of puns about wild oats. Party oats.
Ruby drew some wild oats in English once. If you’re reading this please know that your face when we explained what the phrase means (as in, when Heathcliff was sewing ’em) is in my top ten senior school memories.
That said, so is the time someone in History thought Osama bin Laden was one of the Beatles.
I haven’t been watching enough of the Winter Olympics, which should probably change because it sounds like the universe is about to take up curling. This week’s news is a little old but definitely relevant.
Beth Tweddle’s Twitter Q&A saga: Let’s judge women on their work, nothing else
Beth Tweddle’s vile Twitter abuse: Women, it’s time to shout back at trolls
The Telegraph was a bit vague in its point but helpfully displays some of the Tweets for us all to enjoy. I suppose that by writing this I’m adding my voice to the people standing up against trolling – and sexism – but is it going to do anything? Not unless somebody read this and thinks “Oh yeah. Calling a woman a slut when a) I’ve never met her so have absolutely no right to call her anything including an insulting word and b) I wouldn’t say it to her face is stupid. I won’t do it anymore.” On the other hand, is a boycott of social media going to do anything to improve trolling matters? If you ignore someone they’re likely to get bored, but I must admit that I’d be tempted to research the user, find out some personal details, e.g. their address, and put up a sign on heir front door which details how shitty they are. Then I’d ignore them.
Or maybe I’d hide under a rock for the rest of my life.
Sky Sports presenter Charlie Webster speaks of sex assault
This is a bit different: a Sky Sports presenter about whom I knew nothing until she went on the radio discussing sexual abuse she received from a sports coach discussed what she went through and said that when she was being abused it was “one of these taboos, like domestic abuse is now”. Hopefully just by saying that she’s done something to alleviate both taboos – and the fact that it was splashed all over the news should help even more. Course, just talking about abuse isn’t going to practically help anybody who’s suffering, but it’s a step… that said, I’m not entirely sure how to practically help somebody in that situation, because I’ve never known anybody in it.
I’ve also never been Twitter-trolled, which begs the question: how can people who know how to combat these issues teach the rest of us how to? Do we need online classes or school classes or TV shows covering the topics or bus posters…?
I think that if adults had half terms, their output would be highly improved and would not only counteract the extra time off but also contribute more to the economy.
For example, this week I have walked my dogs, worked on homework (not as much as I should but more than I sometimes do in term time), sorted out 8,000 things that I’ve been putting off since Christmas and been to the cinema.
Speaking of stuff I’ve done, please go and have a look at the new and improved Webways layout, which is hopefully clearer than the old one. I’ve also slashed prices on Etsy because a lot of listings end soon and I kind of want to clear out old stock to make way for shinier stuff in the coming months. Essentially, I have a lot of stationery lying around that I want to make into art and – hopefully – sell. Don’t worry, it won’t be recycled greetings cards with ‘Customised by Francesca’ written in Sharpie across the front… I’m thinking of it as a fun challenge, one which ideally we all benefit from (me from having a cleared cupboard and some petty cash and you from having some excellent artwork that cost distinctly less than one of those contemporary pieces no one understands).
Basically that’s me asking you to buy my stuff, awkward. On the other hand, by purchasing my stuff you’re helping to fund this thing, which is wonderful. To conclude this slightly rambling I-should-go-to-bed post, here is a GIF of a little dog:
The movement’s really slow on the main blog for some reason: click and it’ll speed up. The website watermarked on the image is an interesting one and possibly a black hole of online entertainment…
Interestingly, in other cultures Valentine’s is becoming synonymous with “massive rip-off”. The Metro reckons that increasing amounts of people are not giving a fuck not bothered. In a fun twist of events, someone printed out a load of Valentine’s Tumblr memes and stuck them around my sixth form block, which simultaneously made my day and, hopefully, emphasised the ridiculousness of centring a day around someone with whom you’re in a relationship all the time. Gross factor: 3/10. Those memes were Tumblr-inappropriate and highly worth Googling.
Okay I’m off to make a list of shops that I want to raid when there’s a post-Valentine’s sale on. The mind goes initially to Thornton’s, but there are probably some great deals to be had on clothing, hair products and pink alcohol. And glittery jewellery. And Etsy fandom products. Who needs a significant other when you have the Internet, seriously. No wonder it’s a commercial giant: people don’t want Valentine’s mush, they want cheap booze and chocolate…
Instead of spending an evening threading a post together I went out for dinner, so I had to spend some time making myself look less like a homeless student and more like someone who can use a menu, then actually spend time in public, so this is a total cop-out. I’m also using an iPad, laptop and mobile simultaneously which is actually quite appropriate.
Okay so we’ve all had PPI-claim texts and Optical Express and SP Energy and talkmobile and Ladbrokes and Barclays and pension freezes and debt payment ads and yes I went through the phone I’ve had for eighteen months to find all the types of bullshit. But this takes the cake, ice cream, cheese board and coffee and little mints.
In Politics we’ve looked at poverty recently and if I remember correctly, more people have access to a mobile phone than they do a toilet. This is crap (pun fully intended) in itself and is being exacerbated by scammers taking advantage of people who literally don’t know any better. Mr Malbisoi probably isn’t the only non-Western person who’s been a victim of phishing but how is the west going to educate the rest of the world about the dangers of scams when there are entire TV shows dedicated to getting British scam victims their money back?
I dunno, man, and I need an early night. What’s the stupidest/funniest mobile scam you’ve come across? Have you experienced scams yourself? Yep, there is actually an element of Q&A to all of this!