The Lazy Person’s Guide to the Olympics

I have lived through several Olympic cycles, and I can actively remember the last three (Athens: I was in Greece at the time and the Greeks were so into it. I was eight and hated sport. Beijing: I was in Greece at the time and the Greeks were less into it. I was 12 and hated sport. London: I was in Greece when it started and couldn’t believe nothing broke at the Opening Ceremony. I was 16 and hated sport).

Now I am 20 and have gone for three runs in the last month. Three! I still hate sport, but have learnt that the Olympics are relevant to my other interests, so I thought I’d put together a little guide for everyone who has bad memories of PE but wants to get their money’s worth from the TV license.

Activity 1: Sit on the sofa, yelling at the TV

Usually I do this during the news. Now I can do it during the 500000m semi sprint or whatever it is Mo Farrah will win. Check out the schedule for a sport you think you can really get into while eating popcorn/shouting.

Homer Olympics from Twitter
from Twitter

Activity 2: Check out attractive people

I’ve done a quick recon (read: Googled volleyball) and here are just some of the sports with maximum exposure to god-like muscles. NB: some of the competitors are minors. Check who’s still in school before you do anything weird.

  1. Diving
  2. Volleyball
  3. Running
  4. Swimming
  5. That one with the people who run and swim simultaneously triathlon
  6. Gymnastics
  7. Boxing
  8. (Added after a couple of days of observation) Rowing
  9. (ditto) Rugby

The Olympics is basically a free way to explore your sexuality, yes?

Mr Bean from Twitter
from Twitter

Activity 3: Explore multiculturalism

Does anyone know exactly where Samoa is? Or St Kitt’s and Nevis? Or Kazakhstan? Me neither, but I’m going to find out – and I’m going to cheer on the refugee team and holler at random people I’ve never heard of from countries with zero funding when they come last, and curse at the Internet when Boris Johnson someone makes an inappropriate comment.

Activity 4: Pretend you know about sport

‘Yeah so the American women’s football team is really spectacular… did you know there’s a record number of out LGBT athletes competing at this Olympics? Hey, I read that one of the girls in the GB shooting team uses pink cartridges…’

I did zero research to write that. Unless you count scrolling through the news when I don’t want to work as research, anyway. I also did zero exercise.

Bring it, Rio.

Rio 216 from Twitter
Also from Twitter I JUST LEARNT THERE’S A WHOLE GIF BANK THERE
Advertisements

Leave a comment. That way neither of our time will have been wasted.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s