The Eleven O’Clock News: Eurovision Explained

So, The Economist analysed Eurovision, which makes it news (as if this wasn’t already).

Actually I just searched for more news and it turns out this is the best I can find… That’s Chloe’s Tumblr, by the way, please leave a message saying hi. The thing is, on Monday everyone will pretend that Eurovision doesn’t exist – except the country that wins, which has 365 days to find a room suitable for 8000 cans of hairspray, 10000 drunk dudes and some flags – so I’ve run out of things to say, so here is a handy guide for everybody who doesn’t understand Eurovision.

Eurovision Explained 

  • Established 1956 (yep, it’s almost as old as the EU. I wonder which is more effective at uniting Europe and making UKIP uncomfortable?)
  • It’s basically the Olympics meets a montage of every musical you’ve ever heard meets queer pride meets The X Factor
  • “Nil points” means “no points” which is what the UK tends to get because the UK is like Loki but with worse hair (fun for a bit but nobody wants to play with us for long based on historical events and distinct lack of overall idealogical cohesion)
  • For one half of the competition Europeans express feelings that are either “YEAHHH THIS COUNTRY THAT I’VE NEVER HEARD OF HAS THE BEST SENSE OF HUMOUR/COSTUMES/LEVEL OF SCHIZOPHRENIC DANCING AYYY I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!” or “Well I don’t think that’s appropriate what is society coming to?” For the other half we go “YEAHHH WE GOT POINTS FROM A COUNTRY WE ONCE WENT TO WAR WITH!!! WAIT THAT COUNTRY WE WERE ONCE ALLIED WITH GAVE US FEWER POINTS THAN WE DESERVE! WE VOTED FOR THEM, DAMNIT!”
  • There is an unspoken agreement that Eurovision is the one global forum in which the USA cannot dominate; both because it is geographically forbidden and even if it wasn’t, no one would put up with its hard power shitick. Eurovision is all about the sparkles and faintly embarrassing music, not who is ‘the best’

If you have any other questions, just look on social media tomorrow evening.

I Used to Say There’s Nothing in this World to Make Me Suicidal. I Was Wrong.

I know for a fact that no one’s going to read this until at least Monday, because the whole of Europe is completely fixated on Eurovision.

Which, I’m sorry, is a modern-day League of Nations.

Okay, so there have been a few good Eurovision acts. I love me a bit of Abba… I also saw that Bucks Fizz song on TV the other day, that’s pretty funny. I spent the whole video trying to guess the year… I thought 1976 until they took the skirts off, then I went for 1982… it was 1981 in the end.

Anyway, I think Lady Gaga should be an honerary European for the weekend with that Judas song (which has Judas wearing Jesus’ crucifixion gear in the video, I believe? What’s up with that? Judas committed suicide after he sold Jesus out. No spiky crown).

Another complaint: why are all these male acts talking about wanting girls? I’m sorry, but if Jedward aren’t at least half gay, there’s some issues with the universe.

I didn’t even know Estonia’s in Europe.

So, if anyone can explain to me what the point of Eurovision is, I’d appreciate it. I’m currently going through my grandparents’ families trying to find someone who isn’t from Europe originally. It’s not worked, I might vote Malta and be done with it.

Ooh, Greece is on. I bloody hope my mum’s watching this. She and Michelle could get the locals to sing along. Or not. There’s rapping.

Oh yeah, Russia always do well, Mr. Norton, because the Eastern Bloc is very much alive in this competition.