Frank’s Immigration Test (a way to keep out the riff-raff)

  We did this in Maths today, my last lesson of 2010. I’m putting it on here with correct answers so you can do better than 13/22, which is what my friend and I got. My theory is that if we gave it to every adult looking to immigrate to England, and they scored less than 12, they should be politely told to go home. That way, more people living in the UK would be intelligent.

The Intelligence Test

  1.  Write your name in the box provided. Your name.
  2. How many animals of each type did Moses take into the Ark? None.
  3. Some months have 31 days, some have 30 days. How many have 28 days? Twelve.
  4. Divide 30 by ½ and add 10. What is the answer? 70.
  5. Which country has a 4th July? USA, UK or France? All of them do.
  6. If you were in a deserted house at night, and there was an oil lamp, firewood and a candle, but you only had one match, which would you light first? The match.
  7. Why can’t a man in York be buried in the Isle of Man? He’s not dead yet.
  8. If you had two coins totaling 11p, and one of them was not a 10p coin, what would the coins be? 1p, 10p.
  9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 die. How many sheep does the farmer have left? Nine.
  10. How much soil is there, to the nearest cubic mm, in a 2x5x4.5mm hole? 0mm.
  11. If 2 monkeys sit in one corner of a square and look at another pair in another corner, and so on, until every pair in every corner looks at another pair, how many monkeys would say that they can see 6 other monkeys? None.
  12. How many times can you subtract 5 from 25? Once.
  13. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the tallest mountain in the world? Mount Everest.
  14. What’s more powerful than God, the rich don’t want it, the poor have a lot of it and if you eat it, you will die? Nothing.
  15. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April, the second child named May. What was the third child’s name? Johnny.
  16. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly? Incorrectly.
  17. A man is driving a car without the lights on, the street lamps are off and there is no moon. A black cat runs out in front of him. How can he see to brake and avoid it? It’s daytime.
  18. It takes 3 minutes to boil 1 egg. How long does it take to boil 3 eggs? Three minutes.
  19. Is it legal for a man to marry his widow’s sister? He’s dead.
  20. A man rides into town on Sunday. Three days later, he leaves on Sunday. How? Sunday is a horse.
  21. Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have? Three apples.
  22. If you hop out of your flop, to drop by the shop for a mop, and to top it off, your pop is a cop, what should you do if you come to a green light? Keep going.

  A question for bonus points, which I would like you to comment with and answer: if you are no longer in a relationship with somebody, are you broken up even if you weren’t dating them? This isn’t a trick, I need to know so Ruby can stop telling me she won our fight earlier.

  Also can we give this to adults already living in the UK? If they score less than 12, they can work in McDonald’s while they get twelve GCSEs (or an apprenticeship), which I believe is what the government want us to leave school with.

  

Just Your Average Friday

   Visualise this.

 My Physics’ teacher’s classroom, 9:30ish am, Friday morning. Usually a scene of utter pain and confusion on my part. Today, however, we had a cover, and everyone talked rather a lot. So much, in fact, Ruby felt comfortable waving a sheet at me from her bench.

  “You can tell an English person drew this, can’t you?”

  It just goes to show; even before the tectonic plates shifted, we wanted to get as far away from the French as possible.

  Also, my dinner:

  I forgot to ask for ‘small’ as in, ‘small for someone who isn’t obese’ when ordering.

WWI: Started 1914, Finished 1945

  Gotta love the Europeans. For a country that only contains 731,000,000 people, we sure are good at fucking up the rest of the planet. Which is apparently marginally less than sixty billion people.   Here is some evidence of this:   Can you guess where we went yet? No? Here’s some more clues.    

  I came more close to crying on that two-day trip than I have in the last year at anything (including when Bob left My Chem). I only have to explain to a retard why. Ever been in a graveyard? Ever been in one full of the remains of twenty-five thousand men thrown in a mass grave? Seen a memorial? How about one to fifty-five thousand soldiers with no known grave? 

  Bummer. In case you are retarded, it was a school trip to Belgium (though we slept in Lille without realising and the Somme is French)… 

  I said I’d name drop, so here are some photos of Pugsley and I thoroughly enjoying ourselves, along with the rest of the Most Disliked, Loud Group to Sit On the Coach:

 

  

   

  More photos coming soon if Ruby emails me them and I get Pugsley to show me how my phone works. 

  Happy belated St George’s Day.