It Never Rains But It – Oh Wait, It’s Stopped.

When we walked the dogs this morning the sky was that white-blue hue unique to autumn and winter months; the air was crisp and verging on cold; the sun was low and almost too bright.

What the hell happened, Essex? Within half an hour you deleted the autumn setting in favour of the English downpour setting. I can no longer take a leisurely walk into town. I might not even take a hurried walk into town. Today has become the perfect time to curl up with a marketing plan and hot drink, plotting my rise to fame/fortune/financial independence, instead of a day stamping around Southend doing the marketing plan. Pfft.

Tell you what though, I know something you guys can curl up with if strategic Excel documents aren’t your thing.

I have even made merchandise. I just checked the calendar and there’s a Friday 13th in May next year, but I’m not in the habit of planning that far in advance even with the old marketing ploys, so I haven’t decided yet whether or not I’ll do a fourth volume. I planned all three this year back in January and did most of the heavy lifting then too; today I am less inclined to reopen a set of Photoshop files that I spent 11 months tweaking. Still, never say never – I always forget how much I love working with the macabre and/or black humour until I’m doing it, and then I always wish I do it more.

Speaking of the macabre, my freelance work calls. Well, emails. Well, there’s a post-it on my desk reminding me I’m going out tomorrow so really ought to take advantage of the rain and get shit done today.

Hang on, it’s stopped raining.

Ghost Stories Volume II!

For a moment this morning when I woke up I was grumpy, because Donnie was barking at some imaginary threat in the garden. But I’m now really grateful to the paranoid little fluffball because it means Ghost Stories II is up before 9am!

I don’t remember the last time I wrote a blog before 9am.

This issue it a bit different to the last, mostly because Comic Sans called to me, and who am I to refuse the temptation of awful fonts? Get it here and have a good Friday 13th!

Oh and if I Tweet weird things later it’s because I’m watching Comic Relief and grappling with the desire to donate my life savings.

Ghost Stories Zine Volume I

I don’t know about you, but in January, while midway through adding notes and deadlines to my Benedict Cumberbatch Work Calendar, I noticed that 2015 has a large number of Friday 13ths: today, 13th March and 13th November. ‘What a great day to promote quirky or weird art or work,’ I thought. ‘Too bad I don’t have any to promote.’

So I made something new.

Today, in March and in November, I will be releasing Ghost Stories, a zine celebrating all the things that should be celebrated – or at least acknowledged in conversation – on Friday 13th. This issue has haunted graveyards, an advice column from Hades a brief but polite notice from the Ghost-Mortal Alliance Office. You can get it here if you’d like to read it, and enjoy the only pre-made bit of work I had, The Mystery of St Aidan’s, on Story Shack here.

If you get it, let me know what you think! I’m working on the next two issues at the moment and I’m drafting out new/different pieces, so if there’a anything superduperfabulous that you absolutely need in the next one, now’s the time to ask!

The Six O’Clock News: Friday 13th By Hollie and Chloe

It’s Friday 13th, so I thought we should go for something spooky and/or spiritual and/or religious today…

Teen exorcists: Women who expel demons on stage

So there are some girls who are fuckin’ idiots.

Hi. This is Chloe. Chloe wants to explain you a thing. These so called “exorcists” truly and actually believe that Harry Potter is endorsing Satanism. WHAT. THE. HELL. (no pun intended. I hate puns.) They are preaching that these spells are very real and very dangerous. Okay seriously what. Even if they were, whats wrong with that? The amount of times I wish I could just “accio” something, or “alohamora” every time I forget my keys, or even “crucio” half the people I go to school with! Wouldn’t life be better if the magic of Harry Potter WAS real?! And that’s what it is. Magic. Not demon related voodoo, there’s no mention of sacrificing souls to Satan (except Voldemort, and we all know what happened to him!) and I’m pretty sure the only resemblance of the devil seen in the franchise was Dolores Umbridge. But hey. It doesn’t seem to be stopping these stupid muggles from trying to rain on our parade. They say that J.K .Rowling “used real pagan spells to inspire her work.” Okay no. Just no. Most of these spells are actually just Latin translations of what they do. and as far as I know, Latin has been okay with the Church for quite a few centuries. In fact, weren’t sermons, religious texts, engravings and even demon exorcisms writing in LATIN? so, if the language of the Harry Potter spells summons demons, the logic is OBVIOUSLY to use THE SAME LANGUAGE to get rid of them. right? RIGHT?! No. Just no. I really hope Voldemort shows up during their live exorcism and crucio’s their sorry asses back to where they came from. England is the land of Harry Potter and we are damn proud of it. Go away. STAY away.

And now, the weather.

~ sun–and-stars.tumblr.com ( Chloe) ❤

Sir Patrick Stewart marries, Sir Ian McKellen officiates

Some people make great minsters. It helps if they’re thespians though.

hello friends my name is hollie & frank told me 2 write about that professor x got maried the other day & it was apparently wild. but idk b/c I wasn’t there but it looked pretty ok

so like he got married in a ball pit???? like idk that’s what twitter said and I guess that’s pretty rad b/c ok lets be honest who even gives a shit about proper marriages any more 4 reals

like yea it gotta be in da castle and erry1 gotta b cryin with the joys and tiny baby girls throwin around the flowerz and the singing happy jesus or w/e no man come in its the 21st century and we have jetpacks y’all don’t need to be fussin over da holy holies marriage. like patty stew is a rad guy so im pretty sure hell be in love and married 4evr but like most of da peeps gon get divorce like next week and every1 no it so its like pretty dumb and kind of awkward. it cost like £40973498 for castle marry & its like yo do u even realise how much ice cream u could have bought with that u wouldn’t nEED to get married. so yea good job dude fight against the convention u r the future we all should aspire to bALL PITS ARE THE FUTURE

also another thing is like they got married by Gandalf & if THAT AINT THE RADDEST LOVE SHOWiN then love is dead my brothas b/c u no what happened 2 gandal??? hE DIED & the n CAME BACK TO LIFE like wow that’s crazy so like getting maried by him is kinda like a good sign that U WILL NEVER DIE YOU ARE IMMORTAL CONGRATULATIONS

ngl who needs like certified priest dudes wen u have this like come on every1 lets abandon da church & go get our doges 2 marry us like can u even imagine that it would be like there would have 2 be a translator or w/e but it would 65% probably be worth it

but actually tbh I think marriage is the dumbest thing ever like why would u even but this is prety cool thing so yea good job star trek guy

kingshota.tumblr.com

…And on that note I will be writing about intelligent topics with correct grammar next week (you’re welcome for the last four years of excellent grammar, by the way.