In which I am grateful to be kind of snotty

Evening! (It’s not five as I start this but it’ll be waaaay past five by the time I publish.) How is everyone doing with the new-ish social distancing/lockdown rules? I’m assuming they’ll have changed by the time you read this. At time of writing, I’m 90% sure that I can’t socialise with more than 6 people, and probably shouldn’t hug my nan, but I can go to my local, badly-ventilated Spoons with 100 other people as long as we all get up and leave by 10pm?

I’ve got a cold at the moment – standard autumn snottage, nothing corona-y – and I can’t lie, it’s nice to have a different type of illness to think about. I might be a brain foggy sneeze machine but my toes look all right and I don’t need to lock myself in my bedroom for two weeks… ugh, the luxury of a common cold.

I feel like I have loads to update you guys with, assuming you’re here for hot gossip about my life. Over the last few weeks, I’ve discovered that 25 is the birthday at which people start gifting you candles, and that Microsoft Teams is infinitely superior to Zoom (remember Skype? Awww, Skype. I don’t know why I’m saying that, I still use Skype). WHAT AN ADULT SENTENCE. What a 2020 sentence.

Why are you using Microsoft Teams, I hear you wonder, are you conducting online tarot readings?

Ha, no. I was supposed to start a degree this week, but the college cancelled it back in August; I deferred my place and I’m doing a diploma for a year instead. Then the diploma went online-only because you need so many metres between so many people and the upshot is Microsoft Teams. I bought a folding screen to block the sunlight and create a ~ dedicated workspace ~ so now I have to do my homework, because folding screens are weirdly expensive given how little they weigh.

I’m only a week into lessons and have so far learnt that a) my note-taking technique is hellish, and the Cornell method is something secondary school teachers should have a legal requirement to suggest and b) I’ve very slightly improved my attitude to homework and time management since I left school, but like I said, it’s only been a week.

Speaking of time management, I’m going to be closing my Folksy and Etsy shops for a few weeks of October, November and December (and realistically January, etc.) so I can meet my college deadlines and my story deadlines. Also so I don’t, you know, drown under pencils come Christmas. Or drown a little less than I did last year? Maybe?

I secretly love drowning beneath pencils. Ugh. Please buy some. Oh! I almost forgot: I have an offer-y thing going on the No. 1 Readers’ Club until Wednesday 30th. Anyone who joins until the end of Wednesday will get a cute little story, by me. Well. It might not be cute, it might be ghost-y or magic-y since Halloween is coming up. Also since ghosts and magic are two of my favourite things to write about.

Right. Pitch over. I’m going to go nurse the cold and check my homework’s done for tomorrow – no call to 111 required! Just an early night and lots of liquids! I’m almost enjoying thinking about it! – so I will leave this here.

How is your autumn going? Has anyone else started school/college/work? This time of year always feels like a mini-new year and a fresh start. I’ve been watching YouTube videos by people who vlog entirely about studying. I feel like I might have turned over an academic new leaf… I am realistically going to continue watching Schitt’s Creek, as soon as I’ve checked my planner, though. Maybe I’ve turned over a baby leaf. A little petal. Ha.

Look after yourselves!

Slight Smugness and a Poster About Slugs and Snails

Today is the day I would have gone back to school were I still a student, and it felt really, really strange going about town seeing people in my old uniform trotting to and from that wonderful institution/seventh layer of hell. My feelings are kind of mixed about the whole thing; on the one hand, I’M FREEEEEEEEEEEE. On the other, I’m broke and spent a large portion of today ironing.

Still, in the spirit of change, I decided to try out WP’s new post editor. It’s clean and simple, which I like, but I also miss the insane intricacy of the old editor, which has about a billion links to click if you’re bored. Now I have to go on YouTube more than normal.

Okay let’s get down to business and learn how to upload images here:

SugarAndSpiceByFrancescaBurke SlugsAndSnailsByFrancescaBurkeWhat do you reckon? I had a bit of a moment when I was browsing Etsy and everything I saw seemed to be focussed around gender, especially gifts for babies – who, let’s face it, are not aware of their gender. So I came up with a couple of alternatives to those cutesy little nursery rhymes people like to sing!

They are available here as prints and here as downloads.

Excellent, the link button is the same. Hmm. Maybe I’ll flit between the two editors depending on my mood, like those rich ladies who go from a cafe to bar on a whim.

Bugger, I can’t find spellcheck.

Going Back to Hell 101

No one ever did confess to being under the age of 11 so I’m going to assume you guys are in the same-ish age bracket as me and are school-age. By ‘school age’ I mean ‘in compulsory education’. I’m technically university age but am also technically on a gap year and I don’t have a clue how you degree-types work so I’m going to assume you guys have your shit together because this post is a guide to…

Going Back to Hell*

*In this instance “hell” can be taken to mean “school”.

Let’s level with each other first of all. I kind of hated school. I liked to learn – mostly – but I loathed deadlines and homework and pressure (seven years in a grammar school and a talent for being too conscientious made for one mini heart palpitation per day and cold sweats every fortnight. Oh, I’m kind of tense? Really? Ihadn’tnoticedI’monadeadlinefuckoffI’mfine). My favourite parts of lessons were when you could have conversations with friends and the teacher and learn without realising you were learning. Too bad it took until year 13 for that teaching method to really be okay with senior management…

So I was always reluctant to go back to school after the holidays. Every holiday, up to and including Easter 2014, I dreaded not just the first day back but all the days until my next piece of freedom. Once I was there I was fine. But I always resented my school for not being more like Hogwarts or Camp Half-Blood. (Why can’t we have 12 Christmas trees and a lava wall? What is wrong with singing furniture and classes lead by students with the best monster-killing record?)

In retrospect, not fully embracing my fate as a pupil at an all-girls English grammar school probably set me back. No lesbian jokes please.

Because when I think about it, if I had fully considered the workload, if I had understood that sometimes you have to play the game in order to finish it – woa I’ve been watching too much sport – I would have made the correct preparations. In, say, August.

Since I care very much that you all don’t spend nine months of your life wanting to stab your eyes out with you HB pencil, I have put together a short list about how anyone – yep, even you with your weird as shit academic situation – can make school slightly less shit. You’re welcome.

Step 1: Prepare

Did Mo Farrah just turn up to the Olympic Stadium and go for a jog to win those medals in 2012? No. I presume he planned that gig, preparing himself for the utter tedium of a 5 billion lap run. He was not taken by surprise by the circus he was in.

From madmanmadeofstraw.tumblr.com
From madmanmadeofstraw.tumblr.com

So let’s confront the facts: you have to go to school. No matter how late you stay up playing Sims pretending tomorrow is Saturday, you’re going to have to get yourself out of bed and learn some information at an absurdly early hour. Take a moment to fully appreciate this, since acceptance that you have a problem is the first step to solving it. (I hear the same concept applies to quitting drugs.)

Now you’ve faced the butt-ugly truth, it’s time to review your physical belongings. Your uniform if you have one. Your bag. Your pencil case. It has been pointed out to me that I buy more time buying stationery than I do clothes, which is totally justifiable because you can’t see every piece of clothing you wear but you do have to get your pencil case out five times a day, five days a week. So it’s got to look damn cute and actually hold pencils for more than a term. Now get yourself down to Staples and if your parents don’t want to pay for functional equipment, point out that if fineliners are the tools of Oscar winners, you need them to not fail A Levels.

Step 2: Organise

… and stay organised for as long as possible. That goes for setting deadlines, completing projects, revising for exams, planning your actual life around school, etc. You will definitely fuck up somewhere along the line – I once forgot to go on a school trip; Ellen forgot to go to an AS module. But you can keep your shit together for more than the first week of September by doing one teeny tiny thing: using the brain cells you just exercised in class to remember all the stuff you have to get done. Or if that’s not your gig, then by utilising your school planner and covering your calendar in so many notes it looks like a courtroom puked. Use colour coding if it helps/you want your calendar to look like pride week puked. Keep your timetable safe. Keep your passwords noted. If you’re planning to skip school to see your favourite band play in Camden, do that day’s work in advance. That way you’ll get to see JBiebs or Green Day or whoever floats your boat and your teachers won’t think you’re a delinquent arsehole for missing a topic for the immortal sight of Jimmy Urine sticking a phone down his pants.

For the record I never skipped class for a band. MSI was playing Camden on a godly scheduled teacher training day. No one had to negotiate homework to see Jimmy do something freaky.**

Ah, regrets.

Step 3: Retain Your Sense of Humour

 Sometimes your attitude toward the dickheads with whom you spend 35 hours a week is this:

From let-it-be-infinite.tumblr.com
From let-it-be-infinite.tumblr.com

Sometimes you and your non-dickhead friends will experience this attitude:

Intense Contemplation black-white-and-perfect.tumblr
From black-white-and-perfect.tumblr.com

But mostly you’ll be like this:

Psychos from clairedelunes.tumblr.com
From clairedelunes.tumblr.com

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is compulsory reading for anyone who’s school age, by the way. But seriously, the ability to laugh will get you through those lessons where the clock has definitely slowed down or the lunchtimes when your friends are gloating that they got higher marks in some test no one will remember in two years’ time. You might be laughing at yourself or the situation you’re in or maybe at somebody else (don’t be a dickhead to others to make yourself feel better though, it’s very year six).

Sometimes things will be very grey and if you’re having more than just a few low days, do everyone a favour and talk to someone – turns out teachers are people too, how about that – because if you’re going to get through school it should be in one relatively happy piece.

So there we have it.

Three golden nuggets of advice to make your life superduper perfect less shit. Hopefully.

**For the record, I can’t remember if Jimmy did actually put a phone in his pants. I do know, however, that he fake-called the Queen.