The highlight of my day was scrolling through the search engine terms that find Indifferent Ignorance just now and seeing one of them was ‘i want to read sexy conversation’. I also like ‘osama bin laden height’ and ‘frank iero moustache tattoo’. And ‘gerard way in prison’. And ‘friday sun tv film 25-12-2010 what was english film at 10 clock’. ‘gerard way without makeup’. ‘is shsg shut’. ‘italian jawline’. ‘extreme porn mardi gras’. I could go on, but I need to get my stuff together for Berlin.
You know what? You can have the URL and decide for yourself what search is the funniest.
Second day without biscuits… I can feel myself dropping a dress size; I had to eat an apple earlier.
It transpires that you can only see the link if you’re logged into a WordPress account. So I’m going to leave you with that nice taster and print screen or something, when I’ve got time – so don’t hold your breath.
A chain email that is so excellent it should be published officially. By me, of course.
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant
3. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
4. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
6. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
7. In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
8. In UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
I know for a fact that number eight is true. Anyone out there from any other places, please let me know how accurate this is!
We did this in Maths today, my last lesson of 2010. I’m putting it on here with correct answers so you can do better than 13/22, which is what my friend and I got. My theory is that if we gave it to every adult looking to immigrate to England, and they scored less than 12, they should be politely told to go home. That way, more people living in the UK would be intelligent.
The Intelligence Test
- Write your name in the box provided. Your name.
- How many animals of each type did Moses take into the Ark? None.
- Some months have 31 days, some have 30 days. How many have 28 days? Twelve.
- Divide 30 by ½ and add 10. What is the answer? 70.
- Which country has a 4th July? USA, UK or France? All of them do.
- If you were in a deserted house at night, and there was an oil lamp, firewood and a candle, but you only had one match, which would you light first? The match.
- Why can’t a man in York be buried in the Isle of Man? He’s not dead yet.
- If you had two coins totaling 11p, and one of them was not a 10p coin, what would the coins be? 1p, 10p.
- A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 die. How many sheep does the farmer have left? Nine.
- How much soil is there, to the nearest cubic mm, in a 2x5x4.5mm hole? 0mm.
- If 2 monkeys sit in one corner of a square and look at another pair in another corner, and so on, until every pair in every corner looks at another pair, how many monkeys would say that they can see 6 other monkeys? None.
- How many times can you subtract 5 from 25? Once.
- Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the tallest mountain in the world? Mount Everest.
- What’s more powerful than God, the rich don’t want it, the poor have a lot of it and if you eat it, you will die? Nothing.
- Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April, the second child named May. What was the third child’s name? Johnny.
- What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly? Incorrectly.
- A man is driving a car without the lights on, the street lamps are off and there is no moon. A black cat runs out in front of him. How can he see to brake and avoid it? It’s daytime.
- It takes 3 minutes to boil 1 egg. How long does it take to boil 3 eggs? Three minutes.
- Is it legal for a man to marry his widow’s sister? He’s dead.
- A man rides into town on Sunday. Three days later, he leaves on Sunday. How? Sunday is a horse.
- Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have? Three apples.
- If you hop out of your flop, to drop by the shop for a mop, and to top it off, your pop is a cop, what should you do if you come to a green light? Keep going.
A question for bonus points, which I would like you to comment with and answer: if you are no longer in a relationship with somebody, are you broken up even if you weren’t dating them? This isn’t a trick, I need to know so Ruby can stop telling me she won our fight earlier.
Also can we give this to adults already living in the UK? If they score less than 12, they can work in McDonald’s while they get twelve GCSEs (or an apprenticeship), which I believe is what the government want us to leave school with.
I just scored nine out of nine on a higher tier BBC Bitesize Biology test, so I decided to blog in celebration.
Admittedly, I did cheat by doing the lower tier one first, but hey; you learn from your mistakes.
In the name of revision and education, this afternoon I performed a very complex experiment incorporating Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, a makeup mirror and a torch shaped like a pig.
Simple, really. The mirror goes on top of Harry Potter, I sit in front of the contraption and lean forwards, shining light in my eye as I do so. The radial muscles in my iris relax as a result of light exposure, but the circular muscles contract. The black hole that is my pupil gets smaller and less light gets in, damaging the retina (the bit at the back that looks like cracked earth imprinted on your vision after an eye test).
If you take light away, the radial muscles contract and the circular ones relax, letting in more light so you can see. Rather cool, methinks. At least, I think I now know how to answer questions in the module; in the end-of-years last term we hadn’t covered the eye and I resorted to moving my glasses up and down thinking, ‘I can see, now I can’t… This must mean the answer is B.’
NB: please don’t try this at home. I don’t want to be sued by angry parents for singed eyebrows (if you use a magnifying glass) and migraines.
Now I’m off to revise for a Chemistry test in which the teacher will ask us approximately none of what she told us to learn.