The Ten O’Clock News: a Debate About Scottish Independence

Had a few issues with my laptop earlier so instead of being the link-and-image-filled collage I’d planned, this is going to be a nice discussion post!

Tomorrow is Burns Night  and since it is potentially the last one with Burns as a Brit, I think we should talk about the referendum. Ask the Important Political Questions about Scottish independence. The questions that matter.

Should Scotland keep the BBC if it becomes independent?

Clue’s in the name, love. No Britain, no Sherlock or Strictly or ad-free TV. Get yer own broadcasting service and buy it in like they do in the States.

Should Scotland keep the pound if it becomes independent?

The pound is British currency. (I sense a theme.)

Should Scottish people keep their knighthoods and government-or nation-based awards if it becomes independent?

Hmm. I think foreign nationals can become honorary peers of the realm or something, so it should be like that. I mean, “ex Sir Whatever” sounds a bit crap.

Will each nation be able to extradite or deport shitty residents?

For example, if Andy Murray loses badly.

Will all the cool, shared things become contested and start conflict? 

Conan Doyle was Scottish. Holmes and Watson are not. Everyone likes whiskey. Everyone likes David Tennant. Alex Ferguson ran Manchester United. We all use telephones.

Will those “cute British accents” become more ‘British’ or ‘Scottish’? 

Wait a second. Cute British accents. Tea with the Queen. The Loch Ness Monster. Union flags with punk rock slogans. Tartan. A mutual distrust of everything that may attack this tinny island with rapidly-waning international power. You guys, all the things that endear us to the world are generally British. They are specifically Scottish or Welsh or English or whatever but to the schmucks we sell t-shirts to on bus tours, we’re all British. All of us. Aww.

Will Scotland place higher or lower than the UK in Eurovision?

Now that is worth a referendum.

(It is probably worth noting in the interest of general politics that a) the best economical and military and scientific successes to happen to all four British states have happened while they were British, b) the last time a sovereign nation came into being without conflict and hatred as a cause was probably never so why bother we’ve stayed together this long, babe, we love each other really – let’s just get counselling and a fresh start and c) not one of the pro-independence politicians has demonstrated an ability to found a nation, or even a nation that already exists.)

Plus also I don’t want my ethnicity and nationality to be any shittier to categorise on forms. Anyway, thoughts?

For Auld Lang Syne, My Dear, For Auld Lang Syne


  I’ve wanted to write this since sitting at a dinner table on Saturday night, but little things like food poisoning kept getting in the way (at least, that’s what I think I had. To be honest, I couldn’t give a crap what caused it, I just know it hurt like hell).

  Anyway, is anyone here from Scotland? Just slightly? Really, me too! That’s one of the reasons why I love this:

  Not Hamish (though I once met a Highland Cow named Hamish), the food. Which is, I believe, some inside part of a sheep. See, I said you have to like tartan to appreciate it. It was Burns Night on Monday, and as usual my family got together at the weekend at my grandmother’s to celebrate, drink and complain about the government. It was actually my grandfather who was from Glasgow, but let’s not quibble. I own a kilt. So I would like to say a very happy 251st birthday to Robbie Burns and have him know he did not infringe copyright by writing down Auld Lang Syne.

  While we’re on the subject of countries, take a peek at this:


  In case you haven’t already realised, it is an ethnicity form. It was given to me by my school last week to fill out and hand in, because the government wishes to waste time, pretend it’s doing something and collect useless data on how many ‘Travellers of Irish Decent’ are in grammar schools. Before SHSG try to suspend me for putting this on the net, it doesn’t have the school’s address and I’m doing it for the good of humankind, okay?

  Mum ticked off ‘White English’ because that’s what she and my dad say they are, but I kicked off because I’m not even half English, and anyway who wants to admit they’re from here? I prefer Malta, personally. I think I’ll tick ‘White European’ as I tan so well I  have been spoken to in Spanish as I’ve walked through airports coming back from the Med before. I considered ticking ‘Refused’ or ‘Not Yet Obtained’ or ‘Other’, just to see if I got a reaction…

  Happy Wednesday, and if you can, please tell me why there is no ‘White British’ on this list. Or, better yet, if Gordon Brown has to complete one.