It’s the Fifth Day of the Summer Holidays, and I’m Already Spamming You With Time-Wasting Videos. You’re Welcome.

**UPDATE**

  Recently, WordPress has been doing this odd thing where parts of my posts have been deleted and not published. Once I hit ‘save draft’ or ‘publish’, the stuff I’ve written that WP has issues with disappears, never to return. So, sadly, I lied about the videos on this post. They all disappeared, along with some text, leaving a huge space. It’s not much compensation, but this blog still contains Mr. Men plasters.

  I will be looking into the problem.

  Actual post:

How has everyone’s holidays been so far? I’ve dyed my hair blue (no, not all of it), been dragged around town buying clothes I don’t need (the day before we went on holiday last year, Mum ransacked my suitcase. I survived then and I shall survive now) and bought miniature water pistols to use as rayguns (I still owe my nan the pound they put her back).

Because this is the expanse that is the summer holidays, I’ve also spent a lot of time in front of the TV and my laptop screen. Here are some of the better things I’ve chanced across:

Oh, I almost forgot: Ruby, too, has been busy:

From: Ruby

To: Frank

I had a dream where you died last night. You had arm cancer and then it spread to your brain and you didn’t come into school for a week and you died. And everyone one was all ‘Oh, Frank was so manly and heroic as she never mentioned her illness’. And I was all ‘That’s a shame, I won’t be able to send her a postcard now’.


So um yeah.

Don’t worry, I assured her I’m alive.

The Zante Diaries 2010 Part One

The Zante Diaries 2010

  Also known as ‘An Idiot’s Guide to Zakynthos’ or ‘What the Other Kids are Missing. Poor Dudes’.

Sunday 25th July 2010

  It is our second full day here and already I am at my wits’ end with Maxim. He snores, he steals my bed, puts my pen lids up his nose, throws damp towels at me while I’m asleep and turns the air conditioning down so far I wake up with frozen sunburn.

  I guess I could always throw him in the overly-choppy sea, but it might upset whoever he’s been mysteriously texting.

  Not much has changed here since last September; the sign on top of the Neraida restaurant is still about to fall down, we’re handed useless leaflets at every restaurant on the high street (I’m saving them for Ruby) and there aren’t many Germans.

  The Blue Bay Hotel, where some of us stayed last year, as well as a few shops, is closed. There’s a bar along the beach making up for it by blaring bad club music at half a billion decibels for twenty-four hours.

  They also still sell frappes.

Monday 26th July 2010

World History According to Kostas, Maître d’ of Neraida Restaurant

 

  • 2000 years ago, the Greeks were building and making art, the Egyptians were constructing pyramids.
  • 1000 years ago, the English had horses, castles and were on crusades, searching for the Holy Grail.
  • 500 years ago, the Spanish and Portuguese had ships had ships and were sailing the world.

 

  • 200 years ago, the Germans were picking fruit from trees.

  I will assume the Germans are once again on par with the Turks.

  Fact of the Day: Greeks will build a church anywhere, out of anything. Including remains of a temple to Artemis.

Tuesday 27th July 2010

  I write you from the larger of Zante’s two water parks. This one is in Sarakinado.

  I am enjoying a beverage made by Nestlé known as Café Zero. I thought I was buying moccacino frappe, whatever that is, they (the parents) reckoned it was ice cream and it’s turned out to be a mix of the two. I broke the straw with the exertion of sucking out the slush and am waiting for it to melt.

  Anyway, I like water parks about as much as I like Disneyland, Peter Pan’s, Phantasialand, etc. In fact, the only two ways it could get any worse would be if a) I was forced to go on anything other than lazy river, b) Mickey Mouse appeared. In a swimsuit.

  There is also Lady Gaga and Alexandra Burke blaring from a nearby snack bar stereo. It seems Simon Cowell has cracked Greece, his only challenge now is to get Nikos and his mates to cover Leona Lewis instead of the live Greek stuff in Neraida.

  It’s not all bad – I’ve had an amusing time people watching and debating various tattoos and swimsuits on various people. My favourite design so far has been a flower pattern up a girl’s ribcage that she will regret when she has kids.

  There is a statue in the park of a transgender mermaid on steroids and I think she is trying to take ‘masculine women’ to a whole different level. Or the architect was sexually confused.

  It rained this morning. I am not making this up. We were in Zakynthos Town/City, walking up to the remains of a fortress after crêpes and there were blobs of rain. It is still cloudy now.

  You know I hate cats? How the only feline animal I tolerate is Elizabeth’s cat Marmite because she’d never speak to me if I didn’t? Well, I made a friend today. Granted, it was only there for the crepes, but it looked Egyptian. Not fat. Almost sweet.

  I’m going to photograph the mer-it.

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

  ©Indifferent Ignorance 2010 This is not fiction. It may save your life one day.

Skinny Jeans and a Hoodie. The Tan Fades Rapidly.

  I guess no one liked the Greek title of my last blog. It meant ‘good afternoon’, though I can’t remember how to pronounce it, I lost my phrasebook. The hits counter has gone way down since I started exploring foreign languages.

  Having returned home yesterday evening after eternity on the M25 thanks to a lorry fire and oil spillage on the Queen Elizabeth II Bridge that no one bothered to clear up, I am home. Sitting amongst junk, considering going next door to see Maxim and Isobel, and ask Maxim why he sent me an email with a picture of spam and  the repeated words ‘i like carrots!!’ Then again, he was jabbering in an Irish accent earlier…

  I will get to typing up The Zante Diaries 2010 and sorting out numerous videos and pictures, and should have the soap opera up vaguely soon. Vaguely.

  Until then,

  Home (away from) sweet home.

  I have just noticed the sign is missing. Both of them are. Clearly taken before my time…

No More Pencils, No More Books, No More Teachers’ Dirty Looks

  We just said an emotional farewell to Fred, who is off to someone’s home while we go to Zante.  I couldn’t accompany him to exile, it would overwhelm me. Plus he moults a lot this time of year and frankly I don’t need him sitting on my lap for the journey.

  I’ve had a crappy few days (what is with people dying when you least expect it, even though it’s expected?) so the summer holidays haven’t really sunk in yet. I’ve been busy on eBay, buying Pugsley’s vintage tea set and teasing her about it, wrapping it up with love, care and fairy godmother dust. For such a smart person, Elizabeth, you are surprisingly easy to wind up. Open that box before the sixth and I will chain you to the inside of a bus. Underneath a chlamydia advert.

  While I’m in Zakynthos I’ll be video-blogging to keep busy, along with swimming, sleeping, trying to learn Greek and not think about impending funerals. Funeral. I sincerely hope no one else kicks the bucket. If they do, I am going to have a word with my karma. I do try to be nice to people.

  Unless I can wind them up about their crushes. Then, sorry, I will mercilessly take the piss out of them. It’s a tough habit to break.

  Have a good fortnight, lovely readers in front of your screens, I will hopefully blog from Zante while I’m there. Happy International My Chemical Romance Day for tomorrow… I firmly believe Frank’s last photo and album stuff will be released on the 23rd. For the record. I think I will go and watch Torchwood and avoid packing.

  Does anyone else like Jack’s dress sense? I feel the need to buy an expensive forties military coat, a silk waistcoat and a fob watch. Also a stopwatch.