Guess who ate an entire giant Cadbury bar in one sitting today?

YES CORRECT ME. I’m quite good at not eating while I work unless I’m editing, in which case I am basically a food bin. On the plus side, I finished the latest draft of a chunk of dragonnovel and finally got around to naming a couple of characters, so I think on balance everything works out. Except my IBS, ha.

Who else has been sitting out in the garden pretending to be a lady of leisure? If it’s gone 4pm and the sun’s out, I may as well change my email auto-reply to ‘I did get your message but I’ve got better things to do than respond. I mean, it might snow tomorrow.’

The Mini is still getting surgery, and I am tootling around in a Ford Focus if I can’t absolutely walk somewhere. I think when the Mini gets back we’re going to have to have a serious talk about what we expect from one another. In the last six months I have procured a battery, three lights and a set of jump leads, and that’s before the bill comes in for the latest round of fixes. I am starting to wonder if I should have bought something more reliable, like a tank.

I did have something more substantial to write about, but all the sun and chocolate has melted my brain so I’m going to go and do some star jumps or something. Is April too early to start drinking iced coffee?

Quick Quick the Sun’s Out

I wrote an excellent blog yesterday that turned out to be more excellent if I split the subjects into three, so I’ve got three drafts in my dashboard and now I think about it I think they all need work. So this is a new and slightly rushed attempt to fulfil my imaginary weekly post quota.

Who has been basking in the heatwave?

Who has been sheltering from the elements in rooms with air conditioning?

I’ve been doing the former because my Mediterranean genes show themselves in two ways: when I’m angry I make a lot of noise, and when the weather is good I feel a thousand times happier and have a siesta. My bones are humming in contentment right now, and I’ve caught the sun enough that I’ve stopped looking like someone coloured me in with the milky tea-coloured crayon.

I don’t think that’s a real crayon, but Crayola, if you’re reading, that wasn’t a hint.

I might have to go and do Headspace in the garden for maximum sunshine use, since it will probably rain tomorrow. If anyone knows how to bottle sunlight, let me know. How cool would it be to carry a little vial of sunlight around with you? On those days when it’s grey and drizzling, you could unscrew it a little and absorb some vitamin D. It could be a preventative measure in the fight against Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Sleeping Pigs from goldenstories.tumblr.com
from goldenstories.tumblr.com

The lil pigs are me and the dogs. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a patio calling.

Mirror, Mirror

I fell asleep on the patio with my trousers rolled up yesterday, which means one thing… summer’s here. Or it’s visiting at any rate.

I love it. I love that I can swap hot coffee for frappes, jeans for short shorts and procrastinating on the Internet for sitting outside being, like, zen. It’s a bit strange that it’s May and for the first time in half a decade I’m not about to sit an exam, but it’s the sort of strangeness one associates with waking up on holiday.

Speaking of summer, this weekend I added two new things to my Etsy that I’m really, really excited about: pocket mirrors. I don’t know how many of you have a collection of mirrors that you take out to different places, but I have a little stash and I love them. Course, none of them are sarcastic, grumpy or outright rude, so I had to design my own.

It's Rude to Stare  It's Okay You Can Tell Me I Look Great

Cool huh. Get them here, for less than the average Starbucks beverage (in fact, I think everything I sell is less than the average Starbucks beverage… and I do my tax in the UK).

I’ve also managed to make myself a portfolio site that isn’t completely repulsive – the link is in the menu bar if you fancy my attempts to be incredibly professional. Speaking of, I have some emails to sort out. Happy Monday… unless you’re packing your bags to leave Tory England forever, anyway.

Is anyone actually doing that?

Portable Parlour Game of the Week: Tattoo Watch

Stories no one wants to hear: Why Francesca Can Write a Blog Post But Can’t Publish Her Blood of Olympus Review, Why Flip Flop Blisters Won’t Heal and When Another Frappe Is Too Many Frappes: A Saga.

What larks eh. You know what I like about being in a warm country? The popular parlour game Tattoo Watch. It’s free, it’s funny and the only issue is when you find a piece cute but someone you’re with thinks it makes the wearer a pillock. I’m sitting on my own, so I’m free to play covert ops behind my phone.

There’s a bloke a couple of tables away who got either a Pegasus, an eagle or a very angry sparrow on his forearm about twenty years ago. I can also see a person with what could be part of a crucifix or an upside-down sword on their shoulder blades. A few years ago my dad and I actually got binoculars out to establish whether a bloke had the Grim Reaper or the Batman logo on his back.

I can’t remember which it was.

If I ever get inked, I want something like the Fair Trade logo, which looks like tadpoles from a distance and turns out to be a little dude waving. I’ll get a cute spiral on the small of my back which up close says ‘STOP STARING, CREEP’.

Maybe not. So, who likes playing Tattoo Watch? Has anyone been an object in the game? Or have you made any really loud comments about a pice that turned out to be a skin complaint? Share your stories, snowflakes, we could make a collection of anecdotes.

In Which I Remind You I Can Write Working Blogs

It’s been so long since I’ve sat down and decided what to write that I can’t keep track of what I have and haven’t waved in your faces. The WP Content-Eating Monster problem doesn’t help either.

However, never fear, because I’m going away late Saturday night for two whole weeks and we all know what that means: magically appearing, time-wasting posts and a book full of ideas when I get back, because I’ve spent fourteen days on a beach sleeping and tattoo-spotting! Both activities are excellent for getting those creative juice… Juicing.

Remember I mentioned doing something really special to celebrate My Chem’s ten-year anniversary? Well, I’m planning something pretty big that involves a lot of people (no, it is not a MCR karaoke sing-off, or a remake of Not Okay). I’ll probably finalise it while I’m away and then spend the rest of August nagging you all for imput.  Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

In the mean time, enjoy this:

Bite Your Tongue, by Chantal Claret. It sounds nothing like Morningwood and I love it.

In preparation of the stupidity:

 

I can’t work out if I love it or hate it.

The Zante Diaries 2010 Part One

The Zante Diaries 2010

  Also known as ‘An Idiot’s Guide to Zakynthos’ or ‘What the Other Kids are Missing. Poor Dudes’.

Sunday 25th July 2010

  It is our second full day here and already I am at my wits’ end with Maxim. He snores, he steals my bed, puts my pen lids up his nose, throws damp towels at me while I’m asleep and turns the air conditioning down so far I wake up with frozen sunburn.

  I guess I could always throw him in the overly-choppy sea, but it might upset whoever he’s been mysteriously texting.

  Not much has changed here since last September; the sign on top of the Neraida restaurant is still about to fall down, we’re handed useless leaflets at every restaurant on the high street (I’m saving them for Ruby) and there aren’t many Germans.

  The Blue Bay Hotel, where some of us stayed last year, as well as a few shops, is closed. There’s a bar along the beach making up for it by blaring bad club music at half a billion decibels for twenty-four hours.

  They also still sell frappes.

Monday 26th July 2010

World History According to Kostas, Maître d’ of Neraida Restaurant

 

  • 2000 years ago, the Greeks were building and making art, the Egyptians were constructing pyramids.
  • 1000 years ago, the English had horses, castles and were on crusades, searching for the Holy Grail.
  • 500 years ago, the Spanish and Portuguese had ships had ships and were sailing the world.

 

  • 200 years ago, the Germans were picking fruit from trees.

  I will assume the Germans are once again on par with the Turks.

  Fact of the Day: Greeks will build a church anywhere, out of anything. Including remains of a temple to Artemis.

Tuesday 27th July 2010

  I write you from the larger of Zante’s two water parks. This one is in Sarakinado.

  I am enjoying a beverage made by Nestlé known as Café Zero. I thought I was buying moccacino frappe, whatever that is, they (the parents) reckoned it was ice cream and it’s turned out to be a mix of the two. I broke the straw with the exertion of sucking out the slush and am waiting for it to melt.

  Anyway, I like water parks about as much as I like Disneyland, Peter Pan’s, Phantasialand, etc. In fact, the only two ways it could get any worse would be if a) I was forced to go on anything other than lazy river, b) Mickey Mouse appeared. In a swimsuit.

  There is also Lady Gaga and Alexandra Burke blaring from a nearby snack bar stereo. It seems Simon Cowell has cracked Greece, his only challenge now is to get Nikos and his mates to cover Leona Lewis instead of the live Greek stuff in Neraida.

  It’s not all bad – I’ve had an amusing time people watching and debating various tattoos and swimsuits on various people. My favourite design so far has been a flower pattern up a girl’s ribcage that she will regret when she has kids.

  There is a statue in the park of a transgender mermaid on steroids and I think she is trying to take ‘masculine women’ to a whole different level. Or the architect was sexually confused.

  It rained this morning. I am not making this up. We were in Zakynthos Town/City, walking up to the remains of a fortress after crêpes and there were blobs of rain. It is still cloudy now.

  You know I hate cats? How the only feline animal I tolerate is Elizabeth’s cat Marmite because she’d never speak to me if I didn’t? Well, I made a friend today. Granted, it was only there for the crepes, but it looked Egyptian. Not fat. Almost sweet.

  I’m going to photograph the mer-it.

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

  ©Indifferent Ignorance 2010 This is not fiction. It may save your life one day.

Καλημέρα

Yasas. I wuldtranslate itintoGreek but I only have twenty-five minutes of Internet time left andhalf of it ismaking the space key and backspace work. I think I willnot bother editing it as an example of theHotel Valais’ crappy keyboards.

  I could tell you about the weather,but we allknow that Zakynthos, as an Ionian island, is HOT.I am sweating aswespeak. There was a powercut thismorning,which waseitherdue tothe strikes or the fact the generatorexplodeda week ago and no onebothered to fixit properly. We walked past and thought somelocals had started a barbeque,but alas… Itwas all Alykanas’ electricity going down the pan.

  Holidaysare a brillianttime to put everything into perspective,andI have suffered many a revelation since I’ve been here. When we getback I am finally sortingout the crap under my bed,knitting a scarf with my grandmother’s help (she doesn’t knowthis yet) and generally taking a Greekattitude toeverything…

 … If allelse fails, dance. There is always time for a coffee. Credit cards are the workof the devil.

 I have a confession: I haven’t video-blogged because I’ve been toolazy totalk. Instead I’mkeeping The Zante Diaries 2010, in honour ofabsent friends. I willpublish it on here, along with some photos and videos Ihave shot, over the coming weeks. Well, by Christmas.

  I was not pleased todiscover that a certain band had not aknowledgedtheirfans on a day dedicated to their awesomeness. That albumbetterbethebest bloody pieceofworksince fish and chips wereinvented. If not,well, I know karate. Gerard Way does not.

  Hope you’re all enjoyingbeing away from school,I have sent a few of you postcards. To the aforementioned absent friends, I didn’t bother. Figured you already knewabout the scenery…And Mum’s latest ventureis to bring you out here for herfiftieth, so you might get lucky after all?!

  Comment and tellme where you all are, what you’re doing andwhat the temperatureis, and I will bring you back Ouzo.

I don’t even have to mention the space bar.hereand. It’s thirty-odd degrees out effortthoughthe  can’tmakemean you  Thatdoesn’t  Only joking,I won’t get the comments until Friday evening at the earliest.

No More Pencils, No More Books, No More Teachers’ Dirty Looks

  We just said an emotional farewell to Fred, who is off to someone’s home while we go to Zante.  I couldn’t accompany him to exile, it would overwhelm me. Plus he moults a lot this time of year and frankly I don’t need him sitting on my lap for the journey.

  I’ve had a crappy few days (what is with people dying when you least expect it, even though it’s expected?) so the summer holidays haven’t really sunk in yet. I’ve been busy on eBay, buying Pugsley’s vintage tea set and teasing her about it, wrapping it up with love, care and fairy godmother dust. For such a smart person, Elizabeth, you are surprisingly easy to wind up. Open that box before the sixth and I will chain you to the inside of a bus. Underneath a chlamydia advert.

  While I’m in Zakynthos I’ll be video-blogging to keep busy, along with swimming, sleeping, trying to learn Greek and not think about impending funerals. Funeral. I sincerely hope no one else kicks the bucket. If they do, I am going to have a word with my karma. I do try to be nice to people.

  Unless I can wind them up about their crushes. Then, sorry, I will mercilessly take the piss out of them. It’s a tough habit to break.

  Have a good fortnight, lovely readers in front of your screens, I will hopefully blog from Zante while I’m there. Happy International My Chemical Romance Day for tomorrow… I firmly believe Frank’s last photo and album stuff will be released on the 23rd. For the record. I think I will go and watch Torchwood and avoid packing.

  Does anyone else like Jack’s dress sense? I feel the need to buy an expensive forties military coat, a silk waistcoat and a fob watch. Also a stopwatch.